January 7, 2012

My epiphany at -10 degrees

I was driving home the other night from work after a really long day that left my legs cramping and didn't see me clocking out until after 9pm.  I had only taken one "potty break" (it is amazing how long you can hold it when you have to!) and had been yelled at over the phone by a patient's family member who let me know what a horrible job I was doing.  She yelled loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear.  It was awesome.   
Before I left the hospital I called Garrett in hopes that the girls would somehow still be up so I could see them.  Of course he had just put them to bed.
I began crying and spent the -10 degree drive home in a downward spiral of thoughts: I won't see my kids for 2+ days........my job is far too stressful......I wish I could be a full-time mom....my house is such a mess....I miss going to church regularly......do I have to go back to work tomorrow??.....
I got home, stopped my car, and took a few moments before I went inside.   A quick thought came to me:  
You may miss your girls, but you are so blessed to have them.
And then I began flipping through pictures of them on my phone.


I know not everyone is blessed to be able to have children.
It must be really, really hard and a hurt I can only imagine.
I know that so many would love to trade places with me in a heartbeat, because my life is very richly blessed and carries little trauma and heartbreak in it compared to many. 
I miss my girls a lot, but I do have them.
I have a hard job, but it's paying the bills, keeping us fed, and keeping us warm.

I've heard before that if we placed all our problems in a circle with everyone else's, we'd be happy to take our own back and walk away. 
After my little emotional outburst in the car (which actually felt really good!), I was happy to pick up my "problems" and go inside, eat, shower, kiss my husband, go to bed, go to work the next day, come home, eat, shower, go to bed, and wake to finally see my little girls at 7am this morning.  Demands for breakfast, attention, diaper changes, treats, bottles, and playing "Astro Boy" came right away.  
I love being a mom. 

2 comments:

Camber said...

It's funny how looking at blessings helps put trials in perspective. I don't know how on earth you do it--I whine about my shifts enough without leaving those cute faces at home!

Crystal said...

Hey Holly - You're post is definitely hitting home for me! I'm back to work and wishing I were at home so bad!!! I've to try to remind myself that when things aren't exactly like I'd like them, I'm still pretty darn lucky.

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